Expectations and Resentment
Expectations and Resentment
Have you ever done something really sweet for a friend, partner, or family member because you wanted to make them smile? Have you ever hosted a gathering hoping everyone would have a great time? Have you ever said something to a partner expecting to receive a certain response? How did you feel when you didn’t receive that smile, when that gathering turned into a disaster, or when your partner didn’t respond the way you expected?
I recently read this quote from Damodar Cordua (owner of Bhava Wellness): “Whenever we have an expectation of our partner we are creating the opportunity for resentment to be born.”
Damodar goes on to discuss how instead of having expectations with our partners, both partners can create agreements. Through mindful discussion, honesty, and vulnerability, this practice can help us grow closer instead of creating more separation.
I took this advice and applied it first, to my relationship with myself. How many times did I create resentment towards myself because I expected to meditate at sunrise, but I woke up late? Because I expected to eat kitchari for 3 days, but got pizza instead? The list went on and I realized that these self-resentment practices were catalysts for bad moods I’d dive into. I began to create agreements with myself where I’d agree to meditate later if I woke up late and restart the kitchari cleanse the next day, for example.
Next, I reflected back on past relationships (friendships, partnerships, etc) and realized how some have ended because of resentment. They ended because we expected something from one another without open communication. Without open communication, we never had the chance to create an agreement. We didn’t have an opportunity to agree that if I say “x” and you respond with “y” it will trigger “z” so “let’s figure out how to practice better communication.”
To cultivate an ongoing practice of releasing expectations, I took it to my yoga mat. I began infusing the practice of syncing my breath with something I wanted to cultivate more of and something I wanted to release. I’d inhale “love” and exhale “expectations.” Eventually, this opened up a pathway for me to release those expectations throughout my day-to-day life. Through this practice of releasing, I found myself pouring even more of my heart into everything I did. I realized that whatever I was putting into this universe was an offering. I realized once I offered something, it no longer belonged to me. If something didn’t belong to me, I didn’t have control over it anymore. That encouraged me to show up for anything I did in the mood of gratitude, ready to give my best. If we can show up in the mood of love and service, we are able to let go of the desire to receive something specific in return. If we can make everything an offering, that act alone can be so fulfilling.